Feeling "normal"

I am finally beginning to feel like myself again.  This past year has been quite a trial for our family.  With the loss of my hubby's job we were left with very few choices.  I am a SAHM, so I don't earn any outside income.  We rely solely on my hubby for that.  And he has always come through for us.  It was heartwrenching, it has been difficult and I had many sleepless nights over not knowing what in the world we were going to do.

For a period of time I even found myself angry at God.  I felt like we had done all the things we should.  We paid our tithing.  We paid a generous fast offering.  We attended church regularly and faithfully fulfilled our church responsibilities.  We prayed and read scriptures regularly as a family.  We had FHE every week.  We were kind to others and loved our children fiercely.  We bought food storage and emergency preparedness supplies.  (We missed several years of vacations to purchase all of it.) We avoided credit card debt (and any debt for that matter) like the plague.  By all accounts we were doing all the things we were 'supposed' to be doing.  So why on earth would God let this happen to us if we were so "good"?  How could He so quickly and easily abandon us?  Why Why Why?  So many questions have been spinning through my mind.  I have SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS.  And yet, I find myself not feeling like such a victim anymore.  I have come to realize there are many things I have little control over.  There are many things I am not going to have answers for for quite some time.

I do know this.  Looking back on all of this... Mike losing his job might be the best thing that ever happened to us.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't necessarily ENJOY living in my parents basement while we rent out our home so we don't lose what we worked so hard for.  Or having our budget cut so extreme that I get to be super creative with our spending and get to choose between one thing or another.  I am sometimes a bit embarrassed when I tell people I am a grown, married woman with a family of my own and I am living with my folks.  This entire experience has been very HUMBLING. 

If for no other reason, it has brought us closer.  It tore us apart at first.  But now, we have managed to bring it back around and realize what is most important.  That was not easy.  He felt like a failure and I felt resentment.  Neither one of us was helping the situation.  Luckily for me I have a very level-headed, compassionate husband who wants nothing more than to make me happy.  He lives to serve the kids and me... I couldn't ask for a better man.  He has been so good to me through all our years together.  I am a blessed woman.  And luckily for him, I am a determined and loving person.  Yes, we are blessed to have one another.

I have also learned empathy.  Empathy for this situation.  No one is exempt from financial burdens, job losses, sorrow, pain, or grief.  I now have much more compassion for those who have lost their job, their home, their independence.  It is a tough pill to swallow.  I am chalking this up as one more life experience that has changed me forever.

I do look forward to gaining our independence as a family again.  I look forward to Mike finishing school and earning his degree so we can live where we choose and be in a position to help others again.  But for now, I will see the silver lining here and now.  I am not focusing on the past, because all it is is a memory... it doesn't truly exist.  I am not focusing on the future, that doesn't truly exist either... it hasn't happened yet.  What I can live for is now.  It is really the only time that TRULY exists.  The moment is now.  My children will only be children once and so I get to enjoy them no matter where we live. 

I still have my moments and my days where I just want to be on the other side of this experience, but I am only around mile #5 of a marathon, and so I just get to keep pushing because eventually it will be over and if I give up, then I fail.  But so long as I keep running I win... no matter how long it takes me; I win in God's eyes and mine.

So has my Father in Heaven abandoned me?  NEVER.  He loves all of us with a perfect love.  And just as I get to watch my toddler fall down and pick himself back up as he is learning to walk, so it is with God.  He is merely watching me stumble as I learn.  Lovingly.  Tenderly.  Patiently.  And as I stumble, he dusts off my knees, kisses the owie goodbye, hugs me and encourages me to go on.  And I do.  I know I cannot do it alone.  I have tried and it is very lonely.  He is my Rock.  I am grateful He is far enough away to give me independence but close enough to give me advice, encouragement, strength to go on, and the love I deserve.

Ummmm, as I was reading through my last post, I realized that I said "the cons outweigh the pros by A TON". Let me clarify... I meant that the other way around. There are far more pros than cons. :)

So today I just want to say I choose peace. I choose happiness. I choose to just be. I am enough.

I spent the day with my oldest daughter. We went shopping using the gift cards that were given to her for her birthday by some of her friends. Then I took her to lunch. It's not too often I get one on one time with her (or any of the children for that matter). I guess technically it wasn't one-on-one since baby H was with us, but it was close enough. It was fun to talk with her and get to know her a little better. My children behave so differently when siblings aren't around.

I can honestly say I really do enjoy my kids. I like who they are. I like spending time with these little people. They are my little buddies. I am blessed, so very blessed to have these little ones in my life. I love seeing the world through their eyes. Today I had the opportunity to do just that and it was wonderful. So thanks for a beautiful day to my beautiful girl. I hope to have many more just like it.

Just Catching Up a Bit

My goodness it has been a while. So much has happened with my life. I don't know where to begin. So I will keep this short and sweet. Mike quit his job and is working toward a nursing degree. We are renting out our home to another family. I am a SAHM and loving it. The kids are slowly adjusting to the move and so are Mike and I.

Mike is much happier with his new employment. Though it comes with its own set of downfalls, it has been the best thing for our family. The cons outweigh the pros by A TON!

Life is busy and we are all doing well. For a couple months I kept asking why was this happening to us? Why do we have to move? Why did Mike lose his job? Why why why? Looking back on the past couple months I can honestly say I don't have a clue why it was so devastating to me. It just seemed like so much was happening all at once that I had no control over. I just wanted to hide in a cave and hybernate for a while until the dust settled. But we managed and life is good.

I still have my moments now and then when I really miss my home and my friends and my life as it was. But, I have learned it doesn't do me, or anyone else for that matter, any good to dwell on what was. I just get to enjoy what is. I am happy. I am a flexible person. I can adjust my attitude and find joy in the simple things like being home with my kids and being able to experience my baby's first steps, first words... all of his "firsts". I get to be pals with my little boy who adores me and hugs me all the time. I have enough energy to help my girls with their schoolwork. I have a body that is strong and healthy. I have a husband who treats me like a queen. I have a family who loves me.

What more could I possibly ask for?