Life's difficult choices

Today I did something I have been dreading for quite some time now.  Today I scheduled the appointment to have our dog euthanized.  And judging by how many tears I shed, you would think we had him put to sleep already.

It is heart-wrenching to watch his health and quality of life slowly decline.  He has cancer.  The vet said it is very aggressive and fast-moving.  There were no guarantees that any operation would be successful.  He is almost 12 now.  He has cataracts and arthritis.  With the tumor on his upper leg now, it is difficult for him to walk and sit.  I can hardly stand the thought of him suffering so much pain.  And when he looks up at me with those eyes, it's like he is telling me how much he hurts.

The thought of doing this tears me up... it breaks my heart.  It's so final.  Next week I get to hold my boy and pet him and look into his loving eyes for the last time.  He was our first "baby".  When we were both going to school early in our marriage, Mike bought him for me to hold off wanting a newborn.  Little did we know I was expecting our first child already.  When we brought him home I was about 4-5 weeks pregnant with our first.

My children don't know life without him.  He is the gentlest, most loving creature.  With every baby he has allowed them to jump on him, pull on his ears and jowls, pull his tail and stick their little fingers up his snout.  Not only does he ALLOW them to do this to him, but he always ever so gently looks up at them and gives them a nice wet, slobbery kiss. 

I have enjoyed watching my children grow with this loving dog.  He has always been protective of them and has treated them with so much care and love.

Some out there would say, "He's just a dog."  But he is more than that to us.  He is a member of our family.  He gives and gives and gives, never expecting anything in return.  I have had many dogs all through my childhood.  I can honestly say that Sage is the best dog I have ever known.  He is intelligent and gentle.  He is loving and protective.  He will always hold a place in my heart. 

Happy Birthday Beautiful!

Today is O's Birthday.  How in the world did she get so big so fast?  I still remember the day she was born.  She came in such a calm, sweet little one.  She was so easy-going.  She was such a delight.  Everything was easy with her; the labor went smoothly, she was the only one born on the actual due date.  She slept through the night from day one.  I would actually have to wake her up to feed her.  She could sleep anywhere, anytime.  She was happy and fun and sociable. 

Then 18 months happened and she claimed as much independence as possible.  She tested my authority, she fought me on just about everything and some days she made me want to scream!!!  In those two years I learned more about being a parent from her than I have learned in all my 10 years of motherhood.  I would not have sought out Parenting with Love & Logic (which is an AMAZING book and saved me), I would not have learned an added measure of patience and compassion.  I would not have learned to choose my battles wisely. 

The good news is, after gaining more insight on her and arming myself with better parenting techniques, I can honestly say she is my most obedient child.  I know that precious little angel was sent to me so I could learn some valueable lessons early in my motherhood. 

I adore her.  I love her so deeply.  I love looking into those sparkly eyes and seeing the love reflected back at me.  I love her hugs and the affection she shows me.  I love the conversations we have.  She is a very logic child and it is always interesting to me to see how she puts things together.  Her giggle fills me with delight.

Every once in a while she reminds me of that fiercely independent nature and that is when I step back and choose my battles once more.  She is fun and loving and kind. 

Thank you my sweet girl.  Thank you for changing my life for the better.  Thank you for coming to our family and for all the joy you give to me.  I love the gifts and talents you bring to this family.  So keep smiling because just like your laughter, your smiles are contagious and always brighten my day.

Expect the Unexpected

Life has taken a turn of events for us at the Wolf household this year. Some things we expected and others we didn't. We are at a crossroads now... what do we do now to create a better future? Sometimes I think it is difficult to see long-term. It can be hard to let go of present conveniences and luxuries to take a risk.

This is what I have concluded... taking risks in life is the only way to live with no regrets.  If I never took risks, I would never know what possibilities lie before me.  So, here's to taking risks...

Primary Parade

Today as I went for my morning jog, I was enjoying the beauty around me.  I was savoring my "me" time.  Then it happened...

I saw a group of people lined up together sitting along the sidewalk of a street.  And that is when it registered... this morning at 9:00 am I was to have my children at the park to meet up together and go on the primary parade.  I looked at my watch, the time read 8:57.  I was just over a mile away from home at this point and I figured I got to end my run short today.

 I booked it back to my house.  I ran as fast as I possibly could.  I wasn't going to let the kids miss out on this activity.  They have been looking forward to this for weeks now.  I mean, what kind of mother would I be?  How forgetful is that?  I'm a primary teacher for crying out loud, I knew about this.

So I ran RAN RAN my heart out.  I got home, burst through the door and managed to get a couple words out while panting frantically.  "Kids... primary parade... get dressed..." *pant, pant, pant*  I looked at myself; workout clothes, dripping sweat, hair disheveled and thought, "oh well".  The kids threw their clothes on.  I picked up the baby.  We ran out the door to the van.  Everybody hopped in.  I drove to four different locations and I didn't see a single soul.  Not a car, a child, not a person from the ward... nobody in sight.

That's when I looked down at the paper with the information about the parade.  I was right on the time, however the parade isn't until NEXT week.  My kids were in the back laughing at me and complaining a bit of course.  I couldn't help but laugh at myself.  Though I was a little irritated with myself as well.

And there you have it.  My morning began with a whirlwind that was caused by me, and me alone.  The good news is I beat my previous record and ran a 6'47" mile.  I guess a little motivation never hurts!

Shattered Glass

Yesterday as my children were playing outside, they broke a very special mirror of mine.  Now, you may be asking yourselves, if it was so special to you, why was it outside?  That is a great question!  As you know, we are temporarily living with my folks while my hubby goes to school. Well... there was no room for the mirror in the house and I asked my husband to put it up in the attic.  Days passed, weeks passed, months passed and that mirror sat on the back patio, sheltered from the rain.  My kids got a wild hair and decided they would pull it out and play with it.  It is a mirror that swivels and stands on its own.  It was a gift many years ago at a time when we didn't have much money.  He brought it home for me to say "I love you".  So yes, it was special to me. 

I was upset, to say the least, and I wanted to SCREAM!  But this little voice in the back of my head told me to remember that it was just a mirror and mirrors can be replaced.  So I paced a bit outside and went in and talked with them about what happened.  I left the broken glass on the ground and told them not to go out... I didn't want to face it until the next morning.  Luckily it was near bed time anyway.

So I went out there this morning and began cleaning it up.  And a thought came to me.  As I picked each piece up, I thought about how this was a reflection of my life.  I had a life that I loved, I liked how it looked, how it felt, how it was.  It functioned well and I saw a bright future.  And then one day it was shattered.  Just like that... gone.  Gone was the lifestyle I was accustomed to.  Gone were all the little luxuries I used to enjoy.  Gone was the security I felt.  Gone gone gone. Shattered, broken.

And I feel like just as I picked up each of those pieces of glass, that is what I am doing daily.  I am picking up those broken pieces.  I can't fix the mirror.  I can't fix my situation.  But I can throw away the mirror and buy a new one.  It is replaceable.  Such is life... I have slowly been picking up the pieces.  It's not possible for me to piece it all together the way it used to be.  So I get to begin a NEW life.  And as we are working together to build a new future, I can just be content in knowing that the next mirror I buy will be even better than the last one I had.  It's that simple. 

I don't know what the future may hold.  But I do know this... I am choosing every day to just breathe and find those simple pleasures.  This has been the bumpiest ride of my life.  It's uncomfortable, some aspects are undesireable... but if I focus on the negative, that's all I see.  So, I am finding joy in the journey, as difficult as it may be.  I am grateful, so grateful for a wonderful community of loving friends and family or I might not be able to find those simple pleasures.

Feeling "normal"

I am finally beginning to feel like myself again.  This past year has been quite a trial for our family.  With the loss of my hubby's job we were left with very few choices.  I am a SAHM, so I don't earn any outside income.  We rely solely on my hubby for that.  And he has always come through for us.  It was heartwrenching, it has been difficult and I had many sleepless nights over not knowing what in the world we were going to do.

For a period of time I even found myself angry at God.  I felt like we had done all the things we should.  We paid our tithing.  We paid a generous fast offering.  We attended church regularly and faithfully fulfilled our church responsibilities.  We prayed and read scriptures regularly as a family.  We had FHE every week.  We were kind to others and loved our children fiercely.  We bought food storage and emergency preparedness supplies.  (We missed several years of vacations to purchase all of it.) We avoided credit card debt (and any debt for that matter) like the plague.  By all accounts we were doing all the things we were 'supposed' to be doing.  So why on earth would God let this happen to us if we were so "good"?  How could He so quickly and easily abandon us?  Why Why Why?  So many questions have been spinning through my mind.  I have SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS.  And yet, I find myself not feeling like such a victim anymore.  I have come to realize there are many things I have little control over.  There are many things I am not going to have answers for for quite some time.

I do know this.  Looking back on all of this... Mike losing his job might be the best thing that ever happened to us.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't necessarily ENJOY living in my parents basement while we rent out our home so we don't lose what we worked so hard for.  Or having our budget cut so extreme that I get to be super creative with our spending and get to choose between one thing or another.  I am sometimes a bit embarrassed when I tell people I am a grown, married woman with a family of my own and I am living with my folks.  This entire experience has been very HUMBLING. 

If for no other reason, it has brought us closer.  It tore us apart at first.  But now, we have managed to bring it back around and realize what is most important.  That was not easy.  He felt like a failure and I felt resentment.  Neither one of us was helping the situation.  Luckily for me I have a very level-headed, compassionate husband who wants nothing more than to make me happy.  He lives to serve the kids and me... I couldn't ask for a better man.  He has been so good to me through all our years together.  I am a blessed woman.  And luckily for him, I am a determined and loving person.  Yes, we are blessed to have one another.

I have also learned empathy.  Empathy for this situation.  No one is exempt from financial burdens, job losses, sorrow, pain, or grief.  I now have much more compassion for those who have lost their job, their home, their independence.  It is a tough pill to swallow.  I am chalking this up as one more life experience that has changed me forever.

I do look forward to gaining our independence as a family again.  I look forward to Mike finishing school and earning his degree so we can live where we choose and be in a position to help others again.  But for now, I will see the silver lining here and now.  I am not focusing on the past, because all it is is a memory... it doesn't truly exist.  I am not focusing on the future, that doesn't truly exist either... it hasn't happened yet.  What I can live for is now.  It is really the only time that TRULY exists.  The moment is now.  My children will only be children once and so I get to enjoy them no matter where we live. 

I still have my moments and my days where I just want to be on the other side of this experience, but I am only around mile #5 of a marathon, and so I just get to keep pushing because eventually it will be over and if I give up, then I fail.  But so long as I keep running I win... no matter how long it takes me; I win in God's eyes and mine.

So has my Father in Heaven abandoned me?  NEVER.  He loves all of us with a perfect love.  And just as I get to watch my toddler fall down and pick himself back up as he is learning to walk, so it is with God.  He is merely watching me stumble as I learn.  Lovingly.  Tenderly.  Patiently.  And as I stumble, he dusts off my knees, kisses the owie goodbye, hugs me and encourages me to go on.  And I do.  I know I cannot do it alone.  I have tried and it is very lonely.  He is my Rock.  I am grateful He is far enough away to give me independence but close enough to give me advice, encouragement, strength to go on, and the love I deserve.

Ummmm, as I was reading through my last post, I realized that I said "the cons outweigh the pros by A TON". Let me clarify... I meant that the other way around. There are far more pros than cons. :)

So today I just want to say I choose peace. I choose happiness. I choose to just be. I am enough.

I spent the day with my oldest daughter. We went shopping using the gift cards that were given to her for her birthday by some of her friends. Then I took her to lunch. It's not too often I get one on one time with her (or any of the children for that matter). I guess technically it wasn't one-on-one since baby H was with us, but it was close enough. It was fun to talk with her and get to know her a little better. My children behave so differently when siblings aren't around.

I can honestly say I really do enjoy my kids. I like who they are. I like spending time with these little people. They are my little buddies. I am blessed, so very blessed to have these little ones in my life. I love seeing the world through their eyes. Today I had the opportunity to do just that and it was wonderful. So thanks for a beautiful day to my beautiful girl. I hope to have many more just like it.

Just Catching Up a Bit

My goodness it has been a while. So much has happened with my life. I don't know where to begin. So I will keep this short and sweet. Mike quit his job and is working toward a nursing degree. We are renting out our home to another family. I am a SAHM and loving it. The kids are slowly adjusting to the move and so are Mike and I.

Mike is much happier with his new employment. Though it comes with its own set of downfalls, it has been the best thing for our family. The cons outweigh the pros by A TON!

Life is busy and we are all doing well. For a couple months I kept asking why was this happening to us? Why do we have to move? Why did Mike lose his job? Why why why? Looking back on the past couple months I can honestly say I don't have a clue why it was so devastating to me. It just seemed like so much was happening all at once that I had no control over. I just wanted to hide in a cave and hybernate for a while until the dust settled. But we managed and life is good.

I still have my moments now and then when I really miss my home and my friends and my life as it was. But, I have learned it doesn't do me, or anyone else for that matter, any good to dwell on what was. I just get to enjoy what is. I am happy. I am a flexible person. I can adjust my attitude and find joy in the simple things like being home with my kids and being able to experience my baby's first steps, first words... all of his "firsts". I get to be pals with my little boy who adores me and hugs me all the time. I have enough energy to help my girls with their schoolwork. I have a body that is strong and healthy. I have a husband who treats me like a queen. I have a family who loves me.

What more could I possibly ask for?