Feeling "normal"

I am finally beginning to feel like myself again.  This past year has been quite a trial for our family.  With the loss of my hubby's job we were left with very few choices.  I am a SAHM, so I don't earn any outside income.  We rely solely on my hubby for that.  And he has always come through for us.  It was heartwrenching, it has been difficult and I had many sleepless nights over not knowing what in the world we were going to do.

For a period of time I even found myself angry at God.  I felt like we had done all the things we should.  We paid our tithing.  We paid a generous fast offering.  We attended church regularly and faithfully fulfilled our church responsibilities.  We prayed and read scriptures regularly as a family.  We had FHE every week.  We were kind to others and loved our children fiercely.  We bought food storage and emergency preparedness supplies.  (We missed several years of vacations to purchase all of it.) We avoided credit card debt (and any debt for that matter) like the plague.  By all accounts we were doing all the things we were 'supposed' to be doing.  So why on earth would God let this happen to us if we were so "good"?  How could He so quickly and easily abandon us?  Why Why Why?  So many questions have been spinning through my mind.  I have SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS.  And yet, I find myself not feeling like such a victim anymore.  I have come to realize there are many things I have little control over.  There are many things I am not going to have answers for for quite some time.

I do know this.  Looking back on all of this... Mike losing his job might be the best thing that ever happened to us.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't necessarily ENJOY living in my parents basement while we rent out our home so we don't lose what we worked so hard for.  Or having our budget cut so extreme that I get to be super creative with our spending and get to choose between one thing or another.  I am sometimes a bit embarrassed when I tell people I am a grown, married woman with a family of my own and I am living with my folks.  This entire experience has been very HUMBLING. 

If for no other reason, it has brought us closer.  It tore us apart at first.  But now, we have managed to bring it back around and realize what is most important.  That was not easy.  He felt like a failure and I felt resentment.  Neither one of us was helping the situation.  Luckily for me I have a very level-headed, compassionate husband who wants nothing more than to make me happy.  He lives to serve the kids and me... I couldn't ask for a better man.  He has been so good to me through all our years together.  I am a blessed woman.  And luckily for him, I am a determined and loving person.  Yes, we are blessed to have one another.

I have also learned empathy.  Empathy for this situation.  No one is exempt from financial burdens, job losses, sorrow, pain, or grief.  I now have much more compassion for those who have lost their job, their home, their independence.  It is a tough pill to swallow.  I am chalking this up as one more life experience that has changed me forever.

I do look forward to gaining our independence as a family again.  I look forward to Mike finishing school and earning his degree so we can live where we choose and be in a position to help others again.  But for now, I will see the silver lining here and now.  I am not focusing on the past, because all it is is a memory... it doesn't truly exist.  I am not focusing on the future, that doesn't truly exist either... it hasn't happened yet.  What I can live for is now.  It is really the only time that TRULY exists.  The moment is now.  My children will only be children once and so I get to enjoy them no matter where we live. 

I still have my moments and my days where I just want to be on the other side of this experience, but I am only around mile #5 of a marathon, and so I just get to keep pushing because eventually it will be over and if I give up, then I fail.  But so long as I keep running I win... no matter how long it takes me; I win in God's eyes and mine.

So has my Father in Heaven abandoned me?  NEVER.  He loves all of us with a perfect love.  And just as I get to watch my toddler fall down and pick himself back up as he is learning to walk, so it is with God.  He is merely watching me stumble as I learn.  Lovingly.  Tenderly.  Patiently.  And as I stumble, he dusts off my knees, kisses the owie goodbye, hugs me and encourages me to go on.  And I do.  I know I cannot do it alone.  I have tried and it is very lonely.  He is my Rock.  I am grateful He is far enough away to give me independence but close enough to give me advice, encouragement, strength to go on, and the love I deserve.