A New Day

So my last post was a bit glum. I was under the weather. That's how life goes, right... there are some ups and there are some downs. Sometimes I feel I should name my blog "Confessions of a young LDS mother right in the middle of it all..." because I learn and hear that I SHOULD be happy and have an attitude of gratitude because I am always being watched because I am a Mormon. It seems sometimes there is so much pressure to be the "perfect mom". Sometimes it feels like I am about to crumble from everything I pile on top of myself. I have concluded that I am perfect in my imperfections. It's okay to lean on others from time to time, that way I can have others lean on me from time to time. Besides, I think others relate better to individuals who don't hide all their imperfections. I mean, let's face it... none of us can do it ALL, ALL the time!

The plus side of this entire experience is that things are a bit better at work for Mike. He is still dealing with the same issues, but is better able to cope with it all. He is amazing. I don't know how he does it, I just know I am grateful that he does.

So, it is a new glorious day. And amazingly enough although I was up most the night with two kids puking their guts out and one baby who wanted to nurse, I am calm and collect today. It was around 2:30 am as my little Bear was going through round three of vomiting and I was stroking her hair and patting her back and feeling so much love and hurt for what she was going through. She looked up at me with her big brown eyes and said, "Mom, I am so grateful to have you. I don't know what I would do without you." My heart swelled to overflowing with so much love for this child. I simply responded by saying, "Oh my sweet girl, I don't know what I would do without YOU." It was in that moment that I realized how grateful I am to be a mom. To be able to love away hurts and pain... to be able to hold my child and comfort her... to be able to play with and be here for them... that is my whole purpose for being. I am a mother. I am proud of it and grateful for it. I feel so very blessed to have this calling in life.

Though I stumble plenty... I am learning how to be better.

So thank you to all you women out there who can relate to me and who are such an inspiration to me of how to be better!

Vision Quest

Today the skies are gray, not a trace of sunshine and it is constantly raining. My mood fits the weather completely. Today Mike left for a vision quest. I am already missing my love and best friend.

Yesterday (on my birthday) he surprised me by coming home early from work. Though I was excited to see him, the reason he was home early was not exciting news.

Backpeddling a bit... a couple months ago he got a new manager who is, how can I say this nicely? Well, this new manager is constantly belittling my husband and telling him what a failure he is (and that is putting it mildly with a coating of sugar on top). Every day he would come home feeling more like a failure than the day before. I have been watching him on this slow, downward spiral and felt helpless, so very helpless. All I have been able to do is attempt to comfort him, remind him of how much I appreciate him being the sole provider and working so hard to do it, and making sure that he would come home to a hug and a home-cooked meal. In the end, all my efforts did little to comfort him. He is so good at showing his gratitude and recognizing my efforts, he is so wonderful at expressing how much he appreciates what I am doing, but he needed something a little more.

So here we are today. He has taken a leave of absence from work. He is gone in search of finding himself again and reconnecting with God. I am supporting him 100%, but I already miss him oh so much. He is my love and my life. I know this is the best thing for him and our family, and I am praying that he can find that spiritual connection and that he will be clear on what he wants to do.

The scariest part about all of this for me... we have no idea if he is coming home to a job or not. The general manager says he will see what he can do, but I don't know what that means. Mike told him he can no longer work under this current manager. I knew he was close to breaking point and he finally snapped.

So, I am sitting here, savoring every bite of my decadent Godiva chocolate cheesecake and trying not to feel guilty for doing so. Hope my workout this morning can burn even half of the calories from it.

Honestly... Honesty

So the lesson on Sunday in Relief Society and Priesthood at our ward was on "HONESTY".

As the 13th Article of Faith states, "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul -- We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

Believe me when I tell you, I firmly believe in this and I follow it to the best of my ability. The lesson was inspiring to me.

My husband also had the same lesson being taught with the men in another room. His lesson went much differently than mine due to somebody in the room shifting the conversation to mean that we need to be 100% completely and brutally honest about every single thing that comes out of our mouths.

There was a debate going on between the men and apparantly, one in particular, is convinced that you need to be honest even if the truth hurts. The other in the debate said something about how you can't be honest about everything like that ALL the time, because you could do some emotional damage. Now, between these two men, who do you suppose has a better marriage?

Let me give you an example...

Later that day, we were hanging out at home. I asked Mike if he would like me to make some cookies. He then said, "Sure, but make ANYTHING but chocolate chip." It just so happened that is the type of cookie I had in mind. I asked him why and he began to inform me of the lesson they were taught on being honest and to be honest with me, he is finally telling me after all these years that he DOES NOT like my chocolate chip cookies. The kids and I love those cookies. They are soft and gooey and all yumminess in my opinion (not to toot my own horn or anything). Then I thought, okay, I'll make sugar cookies and then we can do Easter shapes and the kids can decorate them and it will be fun family time. Well, then he went on to tell me that he DOES NOT like my sugar cookies either. I have always prided myself on those cookies in particular because after many years of practice and trying different things, I am able to bake sugar cookies that don't crumble, but that are soft and melt in your mouth (and don't even get me started on the cream cheese frosting). I'm no pastry chef, but they are pretty darn good.

At that point, I decided not to make cookies at all.

The way I figure it is this... cooking meals and cleaning the home and caring for our children is what I do. And I love doing it, but those are the basic things that just get to be done no matter what. Doing things like baking treats are the extras in life. See, we don't need dessert to survive, but it sure does make you feel all warm and fuzzy when you eat something fresh-baked from the oven. So, if you don't like my cookies, then too bad. Smile, and grin and bear it and be grateful, because I did it with love.

My sweet husband was confused after all of this. In his logical way of thinking, he decided it was in our best interest for him to be 100% completely, brutally honest with me. In the end he said he doesn't really MIND eating those cookies, they're just not his preference.

Then he asked me if I ask him if the pants make me look fat and I do look frumpy in them, should he be honest with me or lie through his teeth. I then informed him that if I ever look fat in the jeans, to just lie right to my face, unless I ask him to be HONEST with me (is that confusing enough?).

I know what I look like. It only matters to me what he sees in me. And I know he loves me no matter what. So, what harm is done if he tells me I look beautiful even when I don't look my best?

Now, you can call me childish, or silly, or sensitive if you would like. I just think it's okay to sugar-coat things from time to time, for the sake of not hurting somebody's feelings. How does that saying go? If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.

And that, my friends, is how the cookie crumbles.

I am curious though... how do y'all feel about this subject? Should we ALWAYS be honest about EVERYTHING, even if the truth hurts?

BE HONEST WITH ME!

What a thing to inherit

I remember hearing stories when I was first married to Mike about how his parents would have to tell the babysitters to make sure Mike's mouth was empty before they put him to bed when he was a young boy. The way the stories go is that when he was just a little guy he would walk around with food stored in his cheeks. He wouldn't chew it, he would just store it like a little chipmunk. If his parents didn't make sure his cheeks were emptied before he went to bed he would sleep all night with the food sitting there. I used to picture him with his cute little cheeks filled with food. I always thought those stories were cute, but I did think that his folks might be stretching the truth a bit. Mike never knew what to make of them. He would always say how he wasn't sure they were 100% true.

Here we are now with our own son. Being the little man that he is, he is so much like his father it is uncanny. And after some experiences with him, I am a believer of the stories his parents would share of Mike and his quirky food behavior. See... the other day, for example, I was laying little J down for a nap. After I leaned over and kissed his cheek, then I stroked it and there was a solid mass in there. He had finished his lunch over an hour before I laid him down. And there was his PB & J stored in his cheek. I just shook my head and asked him to go spit his food out and off he went. This isn't the only time this has happened... it has happened several times in the past and I happened again today. I have to keep reminding myself to check his cheeks first!

How funny is that? Isn't it odd that he would pick up that behavior? That wasn't a learned behavior. J has never heard those stories. What a strange thing to inherit from his father. All I can say is this... I certainly hope that along with that he is much like his father in other ways because if he is then the girl who marries him will be as blessed as I am.

Our newest pup

Sleep

I just want to take a moment to say I am grateful. I am grateful in this moment that my sweet baby boy has slept for not just one, but two nights in a row for a straight 5 hours! Can I get a HALLELUJAH?!

I have been so exhausted from being sleep deprived for so long, it feels refreshing to have that much sleep. I even got to nap yesterday with 3 of my children so there were no interruptions. The older two were at school and the younger 3 decided to nap at the same time. Sometimes everything works out just right.

And there you have it. It may not be much, but it is just what I deserved!

Oh, and soon I will be posting some pics. The disc is coming any day now. I am so excited I can hardly wait.

Miracles

Do you believe in miracles? I do. Now, I may not have seen mountains moved, but it certainly FELT that way this week.

As you know, my baby was transverse in my belly and we went in for a procedure called a version to turn our baby. When we arrived at the hospital the nurse checking us in asked us that if it didn't work were we going to go ahead and do a C-section? You could have knocked me over with a feather at that question because that had never been discussed. As naive as this may sound, I just assumed that we would go in and turn the baby. It never crossed my mind that it doesn't always work. My heart sank for almost a second. And then I remembered the priesthood blessing Mike had given me just a few short weeks ago. One thing specifically mentioned in the blessing was that the Lord knows how much it means to me to have a vaginal delivery. And that I didn't need to worry because He would make sure that was going to happen for me. It was contingent upon my faith and I just needed to trust Him. And I knew... I knew all would be well. I knew He would keep His promise and I let go of that momentary distress and fear.

We were escorted back to our room where they began to do all the prep work. After a couple hours the doctor arrived and pulled out the ultrasound machine. To our surprise he found that the baby had moved his head down! My heart soared! My prayers had been answered, the Lord heard me and kept His word. We were asked if we wanted to go home or go ahead and induce labor. The doctor mentioned that there was a chance that if we went home then our baby might move again, but he might not. We looked at each other and decided to go ahead and induce labor while the baby was cooperating.

They started me around 10:30. Around 2:00 they broke my water, and just before midnight our beautiful baby boy was born! He is healthy and strong and sweet and precious! He is the final addition to our family. We let the girls pick the name for him. It wasn't one that I had in mind, but it works for him and it's a cute one.

Now I close a chapter in my life; the chapter of pregnancy and childbirth. It is sobering to think I will never experience that again. It breaks my heart a little. And if we had the means to have more I wouldn't hesitate. But it is time. It has been confirmed to both of us that we are done. So I am pressing forward with gratitude in my heart that I had the opportunity to carry life inside me, to deliver life into this world, and to now nurture all those precious little ones that have been placed in my care. It is exciting and heart-wrenching all at the same time.

I take comfort in knowing that our family is eternal. One day all of them will grow up, move out and start family's of their own. I don't even want to think about that now! It makes me want to cry!!! The point is... though they will grow and become completely independant of me, they will always be my children, I will always be their mommy. We will be together forever. There is no greater blessing that God could bestow upon us than to give us the opportunity to have eternal life. What a merciful, loving Father in Heaven. I guess He knows a thing or two about the love of a child!

So here's to the next chapter. I am just relishing what time I have with the ones I have now and praying that time may begin to slow down a bit so I can fully take in all there is to enjoy with a newborn baby and small children in tow. Life is beautiful. God is good. I am grateful for this moment and the moment is NOW!

A Transverse Baby

***WARNING*** This is one of those longer entries

I don't know if I have mentioned how this little baby is positioned in my belly. This little one for several weeks had their head up in my right ribs and their bumm down in the left of my hip. Now, that is not an optimal position to have natural childbirth. I have been hoping and praying and pleading with the Lord to allow me to deliver this baby vaginally. Mike gave me a blessing and I was assured in the blessing that the Lord knew how important this was to me and He would make sure it happened that way. So I had envisioned in my mind a nice, natural experience and trusted that this little one would turn and all would be well (this after many sleepless nights and crying uncontrollably while my husband is doing his best to console me at 3:00 a.m.).

We took Hypnobirthing classes and practiced the methods and I felt I had done everything in my power to make it happen. The blessing was contingent upon my faith and my work, so I did exercises, breathing, positive affirmations... you name it, I have done it.

The baby FINALLY turned one week ago today and I was so excited. Then I went in to see my midwife today and she informed me that the baby did, indeed turn, BUT baby managed to get it's head down, and still have it's little body laying across my belly. Baby just went from one bad position to another.

SO... here is what we get to do. We have scheduled to have a procedure done called a version. That is where the doctor manually turns the baby from the outside of my belly. Once the baby is turned then they will immediately break my water and start me on pitocin so baby won't have an opportunity to move back. The main goal is to avoid a C-section and with the position baby is in now, if I went into labor, I would definitely have a C-section.

What have I learned from all of this? I asked several times the purpose for this experience. I know to some of you it doesn't seem such a big deal to have a C-section, but to me it is HUGE! There is something beautiful and magical to me about a baby and a mommy working together to bring new life into this world. I actually love childbirth. I know that sounds crazy, but I do.

So, I opened up the scriptures and found the answers I was looking for. As I was reading Ether (in The Book of Mormon) the Spirit spoke peace and comfort to my soul. I could relate to the brother of Jared when he was asking the Lord what he could do to light the ships. I had been asking the same questions, but about my baby. I felt strongly that I should fast from drinking coke until after the baby is born. I can't really fast from food, and although the coke is caffeine free I love it! I felt it was a sacrifice that would be a bit difficult for me and the Lord would recognize it and know how serious I was about doing my part and showing my faith. I am learning about the power of prayer and fasting. I am learning that God hears me and answers my prayers. And though I probably won't have this experience just the way I had envisioned, I know God will honor His promise to me. I wanted a drug-free experience and well, pitocin isn't exactly natural, but sometimes things don't happen the way I want them to. I have also learned that I get to be patient and trust in the Lord and be flexible. I am not in control of everything, and sometimes I get to just go with the flow; do everything in my power to have a positive outcome and trust!

I am thankful for the scriptures. I am thankful for prayer. I am thankful for Jesus Christ; it is so reassuring to me to know He knows EXACTLY how I feel. He has felt my pain and sorrow. He is my best friend. How grateful I am for the Plan of Happiness and to have a knowledge of the gospel. It is truly wonderful!

Well, life is back in full swing. Winter break is over... the kids started back up their regimen of dance and piano lessons; I may as well mention the homework every day. So my week is full again of busy-ness!

Mike started back up in school. He is taking his final prerequisite before he can apply to nursing school. We are still unsure of how that is going to turn out, but we both strongly feel it is the right direction and he has the Lord's blessing. We have both been assured that all will be well and it will work out... it is just a little scary not knowing HOW it is going to all work out! There is one thing I know for sure. Heavenly Father wants me to be home with the children and He will open the door for a way for Mike to work and go to nursing school.

I am grateful for a husband who is such a hard worker and takes pride in being able to provide for his family. He has certainly blessed me with the wonderful opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom and take care of all those things on the homefront.

I am now in my 35th week of pregnancy. Just chugging along. I do miss my feet and I do miss being able to tie my shoes without grunting and panting, but I figure this is the last time I ever get to be pregnant, so I will enjoy carrying new life inside my belly. I am relishing in the idea that my body is nurturing and protecting our unborn child. I love feeling the baby move inside me and the bond that I already feel with this little one. It is difficult to describe; but it is there the second I find out there is life inside me.

So, though I am not getting much sleep now, I will enjoy it because it is more than I will be getting in little over a month. It is unreal how quickly this pregnancy has flown by. The kids are all so very excited to welcome a new sibling into our family. As for me, I am excited as ever to see and hold and kiss and love this little one in my arms. I have been wondering what kind of personality this new little person has to offer our family. By the way I am feeling, I truly believe this person is a mellow one. We shall see!

J's Surgery

So yesterday was a bit nerve-racking for me. My little J. underwent eye surgery. It is a pretty straight forward and inevasive surgery, but he is my baby and all I could think about was the fact that they were putting him under anesthesia. He has a lazy eye that is not getting corrected with his glasses and so they clipped the eye muscles and reattached them to each eye after movign them a bit. The Dr. said there is an 80% success rate, so we figured after much prayer that we would go ahead with it.

The entire surgery lasted for only about an hour and the Dr. was very pleased with how well it went. His recovery wasn't so bad either. Mike and I took turns holding him and rocking him in the rocking chair during his recovery. He just whimpered a bit. But as soon as Mike took him and sang to him while rocking him he calmed right down. Funny thing, it's a Grateful Dead song that he sings to all our children to comfort them and they all LOVE IT!

He didn't have any nausea and began eating and drinking fairly quickly. He is still having a bit of discomfort, but all in all is doing very well. He is acting up a bit by disobeying and being grumpy, but we were told that is normal... children behave differently after surgery. I think I would be grumpy too after what he went through if I were him!

I know that it was the prayers of family and friends that made it such a calm experience for me. Days before the surgery I was a wreck, so very nervous. The day of the surgery I was extremely calm... it was almost scary how well I was coping. There was only one time I ALMOST cried. It was right before he went back to surgery. I was holding him in my arms and he had just been given a dose of that medication that basically knocks you out so he wouldn't have a memory of going back to the OR. As I looked down at this precious little bundle that I was holding I was overwhelmed with so much love for this sweet little boy who has blessed my life abundantly. It was in that moment I was able to reflect on just how much he means to me. I asked Father in Heaven to please watch over my baby and protect him... and I know He did.

It was funny, before he went back and after he was doped up he pointed to the ceiling and said, "Look, there's a grandma." I looked up and didn't see anything, but I wondered, "Is he seeing somebody there?" I know angels attended him, I'm certain he saw some. I am positive my grandparents were there with him. I am so grateful for the power of prayer. It is real. I sometimes struggle with prayer; I suppose it is my own pride that gets in the way. But I am telling you now that I have a testimony of prayer. It's power is real, it is the direct line to Heavenly Father and when I am open I hear His answers! Thank you to all of you who were praying for our family, it meant the world to me.

Now we get to wait about a month to find out if the surgery was successful. So I will be offering more prayers in my son's behalf... hoping that those eye muscles will cooperate and begin to function properly.