Feeling "normal"

I am finally beginning to feel like myself again.  This past year has been quite a trial for our family.  With the loss of my hubby's job we were left with very few choices.  I am a SAHM, so I don't earn any outside income.  We rely solely on my hubby for that.  And he has always come through for us.  It was heartwrenching, it has been difficult and I had many sleepless nights over not knowing what in the world we were going to do.

For a period of time I even found myself angry at God.  I felt like we had done all the things we should.  We paid our tithing.  We paid a generous fast offering.  We attended church regularly and faithfully fulfilled our church responsibilities.  We prayed and read scriptures regularly as a family.  We had FHE every week.  We were kind to others and loved our children fiercely.  We bought food storage and emergency preparedness supplies.  (We missed several years of vacations to purchase all of it.) We avoided credit card debt (and any debt for that matter) like the plague.  By all accounts we were doing all the things we were 'supposed' to be doing.  So why on earth would God let this happen to us if we were so "good"?  How could He so quickly and easily abandon us?  Why Why Why?  So many questions have been spinning through my mind.  I have SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS.  And yet, I find myself not feeling like such a victim anymore.  I have come to realize there are many things I have little control over.  There are many things I am not going to have answers for for quite some time.

I do know this.  Looking back on all of this... Mike losing his job might be the best thing that ever happened to us.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't necessarily ENJOY living in my parents basement while we rent out our home so we don't lose what we worked so hard for.  Or having our budget cut so extreme that I get to be super creative with our spending and get to choose between one thing or another.  I am sometimes a bit embarrassed when I tell people I am a grown, married woman with a family of my own and I am living with my folks.  This entire experience has been very HUMBLING. 

If for no other reason, it has brought us closer.  It tore us apart at first.  But now, we have managed to bring it back around and realize what is most important.  That was not easy.  He felt like a failure and I felt resentment.  Neither one of us was helping the situation.  Luckily for me I have a very level-headed, compassionate husband who wants nothing more than to make me happy.  He lives to serve the kids and me... I couldn't ask for a better man.  He has been so good to me through all our years together.  I am a blessed woman.  And luckily for him, I am a determined and loving person.  Yes, we are blessed to have one another.

I have also learned empathy.  Empathy for this situation.  No one is exempt from financial burdens, job losses, sorrow, pain, or grief.  I now have much more compassion for those who have lost their job, their home, their independence.  It is a tough pill to swallow.  I am chalking this up as one more life experience that has changed me forever.

I do look forward to gaining our independence as a family again.  I look forward to Mike finishing school and earning his degree so we can live where we choose and be in a position to help others again.  But for now, I will see the silver lining here and now.  I am not focusing on the past, because all it is is a memory... it doesn't truly exist.  I am not focusing on the future, that doesn't truly exist either... it hasn't happened yet.  What I can live for is now.  It is really the only time that TRULY exists.  The moment is now.  My children will only be children once and so I get to enjoy them no matter where we live. 

I still have my moments and my days where I just want to be on the other side of this experience, but I am only around mile #5 of a marathon, and so I just get to keep pushing because eventually it will be over and if I give up, then I fail.  But so long as I keep running I win... no matter how long it takes me; I win in God's eyes and mine.

So has my Father in Heaven abandoned me?  NEVER.  He loves all of us with a perfect love.  And just as I get to watch my toddler fall down and pick himself back up as he is learning to walk, so it is with God.  He is merely watching me stumble as I learn.  Lovingly.  Tenderly.  Patiently.  And as I stumble, he dusts off my knees, kisses the owie goodbye, hugs me and encourages me to go on.  And I do.  I know I cannot do it alone.  I have tried and it is very lonely.  He is my Rock.  I am grateful He is far enough away to give me independence but close enough to give me advice, encouragement, strength to go on, and the love I deserve.

Ummmm, as I was reading through my last post, I realized that I said "the cons outweigh the pros by A TON". Let me clarify... I meant that the other way around. There are far more pros than cons. :)

So today I just want to say I choose peace. I choose happiness. I choose to just be. I am enough.

I spent the day with my oldest daughter. We went shopping using the gift cards that were given to her for her birthday by some of her friends. Then I took her to lunch. It's not too often I get one on one time with her (or any of the children for that matter). I guess technically it wasn't one-on-one since baby H was with us, but it was close enough. It was fun to talk with her and get to know her a little better. My children behave so differently when siblings aren't around.

I can honestly say I really do enjoy my kids. I like who they are. I like spending time with these little people. They are my little buddies. I am blessed, so very blessed to have these little ones in my life. I love seeing the world through their eyes. Today I had the opportunity to do just that and it was wonderful. So thanks for a beautiful day to my beautiful girl. I hope to have many more just like it.

Just Catching Up a Bit

My goodness it has been a while. So much has happened with my life. I don't know where to begin. So I will keep this short and sweet. Mike quit his job and is working toward a nursing degree. We are renting out our home to another family. I am a SAHM and loving it. The kids are slowly adjusting to the move and so are Mike and I.

Mike is much happier with his new employment. Though it comes with its own set of downfalls, it has been the best thing for our family. The cons outweigh the pros by A TON!

Life is busy and we are all doing well. For a couple months I kept asking why was this happening to us? Why do we have to move? Why did Mike lose his job? Why why why? Looking back on the past couple months I can honestly say I don't have a clue why it was so devastating to me. It just seemed like so much was happening all at once that I had no control over. I just wanted to hide in a cave and hybernate for a while until the dust settled. But we managed and life is good.

I still have my moments now and then when I really miss my home and my friends and my life as it was. But, I have learned it doesn't do me, or anyone else for that matter, any good to dwell on what was. I just get to enjoy what is. I am happy. I am a flexible person. I can adjust my attitude and find joy in the simple things like being home with my kids and being able to experience my baby's first steps, first words... all of his "firsts". I get to be pals with my little boy who adores me and hugs me all the time. I have enough energy to help my girls with their schoolwork. I have a body that is strong and healthy. I have a husband who treats me like a queen. I have a family who loves me.

What more could I possibly ask for?

A New Day

So my last post was a bit glum. I was under the weather. That's how life goes, right... there are some ups and there are some downs. Sometimes I feel I should name my blog "Confessions of a young LDS mother right in the middle of it all..." because I learn and hear that I SHOULD be happy and have an attitude of gratitude because I am always being watched because I am a Mormon. It seems sometimes there is so much pressure to be the "perfect mom". Sometimes it feels like I am about to crumble from everything I pile on top of myself. I have concluded that I am perfect in my imperfections. It's okay to lean on others from time to time, that way I can have others lean on me from time to time. Besides, I think others relate better to individuals who don't hide all their imperfections. I mean, let's face it... none of us can do it ALL, ALL the time!

The plus side of this entire experience is that things are a bit better at work for Mike. He is still dealing with the same issues, but is better able to cope with it all. He is amazing. I don't know how he does it, I just know I am grateful that he does.

So, it is a new glorious day. And amazingly enough although I was up most the night with two kids puking their guts out and one baby who wanted to nurse, I am calm and collect today. It was around 2:30 am as my little Bear was going through round three of vomiting and I was stroking her hair and patting her back and feeling so much love and hurt for what she was going through. She looked up at me with her big brown eyes and said, "Mom, I am so grateful to have you. I don't know what I would do without you." My heart swelled to overflowing with so much love for this child. I simply responded by saying, "Oh my sweet girl, I don't know what I would do without YOU." It was in that moment that I realized how grateful I am to be a mom. To be able to love away hurts and pain... to be able to hold my child and comfort her... to be able to play with and be here for them... that is my whole purpose for being. I am a mother. I am proud of it and grateful for it. I feel so very blessed to have this calling in life.

Though I stumble plenty... I am learning how to be better.

So thank you to all you women out there who can relate to me and who are such an inspiration to me of how to be better!

Vision Quest

Today the skies are gray, not a trace of sunshine and it is constantly raining. My mood fits the weather completely. Today Mike left for a vision quest. I am already missing my love and best friend.

Yesterday (on my birthday) he surprised me by coming home early from work. Though I was excited to see him, the reason he was home early was not exciting news.

Backpeddling a bit... a couple months ago he got a new manager who is, how can I say this nicely? Well, this new manager is constantly belittling my husband and telling him what a failure he is (and that is putting it mildly with a coating of sugar on top). Every day he would come home feeling more like a failure than the day before. I have been watching him on this slow, downward spiral and felt helpless, so very helpless. All I have been able to do is attempt to comfort him, remind him of how much I appreciate him being the sole provider and working so hard to do it, and making sure that he would come home to a hug and a home-cooked meal. In the end, all my efforts did little to comfort him. He is so good at showing his gratitude and recognizing my efforts, he is so wonderful at expressing how much he appreciates what I am doing, but he needed something a little more.

So here we are today. He has taken a leave of absence from work. He is gone in search of finding himself again and reconnecting with God. I am supporting him 100%, but I already miss him oh so much. He is my love and my life. I know this is the best thing for him and our family, and I am praying that he can find that spiritual connection and that he will be clear on what he wants to do.

The scariest part about all of this for me... we have no idea if he is coming home to a job or not. The general manager says he will see what he can do, but I don't know what that means. Mike told him he can no longer work under this current manager. I knew he was close to breaking point and he finally snapped.

So, I am sitting here, savoring every bite of my decadent Godiva chocolate cheesecake and trying not to feel guilty for doing so. Hope my workout this morning can burn even half of the calories from it.

Honestly... Honesty

So the lesson on Sunday in Relief Society and Priesthood at our ward was on "HONESTY".

As the 13th Article of Faith states, "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul -- We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

Believe me when I tell you, I firmly believe in this and I follow it to the best of my ability. The lesson was inspiring to me.

My husband also had the same lesson being taught with the men in another room. His lesson went much differently than mine due to somebody in the room shifting the conversation to mean that we need to be 100% completely and brutally honest about every single thing that comes out of our mouths.

There was a debate going on between the men and apparantly, one in particular, is convinced that you need to be honest even if the truth hurts. The other in the debate said something about how you can't be honest about everything like that ALL the time, because you could do some emotional damage. Now, between these two men, who do you suppose has a better marriage?

Let me give you an example...

Later that day, we were hanging out at home. I asked Mike if he would like me to make some cookies. He then said, "Sure, but make ANYTHING but chocolate chip." It just so happened that is the type of cookie I had in mind. I asked him why and he began to inform me of the lesson they were taught on being honest and to be honest with me, he is finally telling me after all these years that he DOES NOT like my chocolate chip cookies. The kids and I love those cookies. They are soft and gooey and all yumminess in my opinion (not to toot my own horn or anything). Then I thought, okay, I'll make sugar cookies and then we can do Easter shapes and the kids can decorate them and it will be fun family time. Well, then he went on to tell me that he DOES NOT like my sugar cookies either. I have always prided myself on those cookies in particular because after many years of practice and trying different things, I am able to bake sugar cookies that don't crumble, but that are soft and melt in your mouth (and don't even get me started on the cream cheese frosting). I'm no pastry chef, but they are pretty darn good.

At that point, I decided not to make cookies at all.

The way I figure it is this... cooking meals and cleaning the home and caring for our children is what I do. And I love doing it, but those are the basic things that just get to be done no matter what. Doing things like baking treats are the extras in life. See, we don't need dessert to survive, but it sure does make you feel all warm and fuzzy when you eat something fresh-baked from the oven. So, if you don't like my cookies, then too bad. Smile, and grin and bear it and be grateful, because I did it with love.

My sweet husband was confused after all of this. In his logical way of thinking, he decided it was in our best interest for him to be 100% completely, brutally honest with me. In the end he said he doesn't really MIND eating those cookies, they're just not his preference.

Then he asked me if I ask him if the pants make me look fat and I do look frumpy in them, should he be honest with me or lie through his teeth. I then informed him that if I ever look fat in the jeans, to just lie right to my face, unless I ask him to be HONEST with me (is that confusing enough?).

I know what I look like. It only matters to me what he sees in me. And I know he loves me no matter what. So, what harm is done if he tells me I look beautiful even when I don't look my best?

Now, you can call me childish, or silly, or sensitive if you would like. I just think it's okay to sugar-coat things from time to time, for the sake of not hurting somebody's feelings. How does that saying go? If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.

And that, my friends, is how the cookie crumbles.

I am curious though... how do y'all feel about this subject? Should we ALWAYS be honest about EVERYTHING, even if the truth hurts?

BE HONEST WITH ME!

What a thing to inherit

I remember hearing stories when I was first married to Mike about how his parents would have to tell the babysitters to make sure Mike's mouth was empty before they put him to bed when he was a young boy. The way the stories go is that when he was just a little guy he would walk around with food stored in his cheeks. He wouldn't chew it, he would just store it like a little chipmunk. If his parents didn't make sure his cheeks were emptied before he went to bed he would sleep all night with the food sitting there. I used to picture him with his cute little cheeks filled with food. I always thought those stories were cute, but I did think that his folks might be stretching the truth a bit. Mike never knew what to make of them. He would always say how he wasn't sure they were 100% true.

Here we are now with our own son. Being the little man that he is, he is so much like his father it is uncanny. And after some experiences with him, I am a believer of the stories his parents would share of Mike and his quirky food behavior. See... the other day, for example, I was laying little J down for a nap. After I leaned over and kissed his cheek, then I stroked it and there was a solid mass in there. He had finished his lunch over an hour before I laid him down. And there was his PB & J stored in his cheek. I just shook my head and asked him to go spit his food out and off he went. This isn't the only time this has happened... it has happened several times in the past and I happened again today. I have to keep reminding myself to check his cheeks first!

How funny is that? Isn't it odd that he would pick up that behavior? That wasn't a learned behavior. J has never heard those stories. What a strange thing to inherit from his father. All I can say is this... I certainly hope that along with that he is much like his father in other ways because if he is then the girl who marries him will be as blessed as I am.